To my Greatest Regret

6 years have passed since the last time that we have talked to each other face to face. 5 years have passed since you left the country, leaving me with confused feelings.

I didn’t know anything when we first met. Not even when we became friends or when we started talking or when we played pranks on our classmates. All I knew was that you were a new friend that could become my best friend.

To me, you were almost like a best friend. That was enough for me. I was fine with you not being my best friend completely since you’re with the popular crowd while I’m in the shadows. I voiced out that thought but you shrugged it off saying, “Status doesn’t matter. I can hang out with whoever I want.”

You told me all about the sport that you always played and I told you all about my favorite books. We went to places we’ve never been to before. You opened up about your life, you goals, and your dreams – the same way that I did. You knew more about me than my other friends does. You made it your goal to know about my flaws and insecurities. You said it was to tease me. But each time you find one, you say something that takes away those insecurities and that makes me accept those flaws.

You trusted me despite the short friendship. You told me things that you never told anyone else and I kept them a secret. I never told anyone up to now, still relishing the feeling of keeping something that only the two of us knows. Do you still remember the things, the secrets that you told me?

I was happy. You took away the sadness inside of me. You showed me new things and introduced me to new adventures.  You were an important person in my life. I wanted to keep you in my life for as long as I can. But I couldn’t.

You left without a reason, without a word. You ignored me all of a sudden, didn’t even glance my way. I was confused and hurt. I didn’t know what happened so I chose to get mad. Your name was banned in conversations I was in. I avoided you like a plague. There were times that I glared at you in class. I ignored you in group projects in class.

The school year passed and I grew to hate you with a passion. I didn’t know I could feel that much resentment towards a person at a young age. When there was an announcement about your teams winning the championships, the teacher announced that you were leaving for another country. You were leaving. I was surprised and speechless. I was supposed to be feeling happy that the person I hate was going to leave but all I was feeling was disbelief, pain and hurt. I didn’t know why.

I put up a facade that I was happy that you’re leaving. That you should have left earlier. That it would’ve made me happier. But my friend looked at me with disbelieving eyes as she twisted my words until making me admit that I love you. That I loved you.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I felt the tears fall from my eyes. I love you. Every bit of me loved you, every part of you. I hated you because I missed you. I hated you because you ignored me when I wanted you to look my way. I hated you because I couldn’t talk to you anymore. I hated you because I can’t tell you all about the new things I’ve done. I hated you because you never told me if you liked that book I lent you. I hated you because you left without a word. I hated you because whenever I try new things I remember you. I hated you because you invaded my thoughts awake or dreaming. I hated you. I really hated you. I hated you because I loved you without me knowing.

You were my first love. I saw everything in new light. I felt my heart beat faster whenever you were near. I felt giddy as my eyes follow you wherever you are. I was hurt whenever you were flirting with another girl. I was hurt when our eyes meet and you immediately look away. I was inlove. But you were leaving.

I wanted to tell you my feelings but I was terrified. I was terrified of your reaction. I was terrified of what other people would say. I mean, a nobody pouring her heart out to one of the most popular guy in school. It’s funny. I took my time to think about telling you. And when I decided to tell you, you were gone. You already left and it left me in shambles.

You are my first love but you are also my greatest regret. I regretted a lot of things because of you. I still regret it now. I couldn’t help but think of the what ifs. I wish I asked you why you held my hand. I wish I asked why you gave my sweets for no reason at all. I wish I confronted you about why you ignored me. I wish I tried to find out what happened. I wish I didn’t waste time hating you when we could be making memories. I wish I told you that I loved you.

But I didn’t. And I regret it greatly. If I could go back in time, I would go back and do all those things so that I could say I did everything.

Because of you, I started to not fear things like that. I spoke my mind and asked the questions that I can’t answer. I tell people what I feel for them. I’m not afraid to say ‘I love you’ anymore.

And if ever we meet again, I’ll ask you everything I want to ask you and at the end of our conversation, I’ll tell you “I loved you before.” to let go of my regrets.