Silence

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Silence takes over my body.

No words comes out.

No noise is heard.

A smile forms on my lips.

Not because of happiness,

Not because of contentment

Because of the state I’m in.

Depressed.

I sit here all alone.

Knowing…

Knowing I should be happy

Why, you ask

Everything’s in my favor

I have what I want.

I have everything.

But, no.

I sit here all alone.

No smile on my face.

Still sad.

Still waiting.

Like an empty shell.

I wrote this at the point of my life when I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I had everything that should make me happy, that should make me feel content. I had my friends around me. I had my family finally supporting and being happy for me. I made a new bestfriend. I met someone special. But I couldn’t feel the emotion that I should be feeling.

I wrote this at the time when my friend suspected that I had depression. I never went to a doctor to check. I’m scared of finding out if I do have it. I wouldn’t know what to do.

I wrote this when I was all alone in my flat, when my roommate was out, with tears streaming down my face as I felt like nothing could make me feel better. I had my laptop in front of me with the Word open. I typed this poem down before I could even think about it.

It was last year. And until now, I still feel this way.

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To my Greatest Regret

6 years have passed since the last time that we have talked to each other face to face. 5 years have passed since you left the country, leaving me with confused feelings.

I didn’t know anything when we first met. Not even when we became friends or when we started talking or when we played pranks on our classmates. All I knew was that you were a new friend that could become my best friend.

To me, you were almost like a best friend. That was enough for me. I was fine with you not being my best friend completely since you’re with the popular crowd while I’m in the shadows. I voiced out that thought but you shrugged it off saying, “Status doesn’t matter. I can hang out with whoever I want.”

You told me all about the sport that you always played and I told you all about my favorite books. We went to places we’ve never been to before. You opened up about your life, you goals, and your dreams – the same way that I did. You knew more about me than my other friends does. You made it your goal to know about my flaws and insecurities. You said it was to tease me. But each time you find one, you say something that takes away those insecurities and that makes me accept those flaws.

You trusted me despite the short friendship. You told me things that you never told anyone else and I kept them a secret. I never told anyone up to now, still relishing the feeling of keeping something that only the two of us knows. Do you still remember the things, the secrets that you told me?

I was happy. You took away the sadness inside of me. You showed me new things and introduced me to new adventures.  You were an important person in my life. I wanted to keep you in my life for as long as I can. But I couldn’t.

You left without a reason, without a word. You ignored me all of a sudden, didn’t even glance my way. I was confused and hurt. I didn’t know what happened so I chose to get mad. Your name was banned in conversations I was in. I avoided you like a plague. There were times that I glared at you in class. I ignored you in group projects in class.

The school year passed and I grew to hate you with a passion. I didn’t know I could feel that much resentment towards a person at a young age. When there was an announcement about your teams winning the championships, the teacher announced that you were leaving for another country. You were leaving. I was surprised and speechless. I was supposed to be feeling happy that the person I hate was going to leave but all I was feeling was disbelief, pain and hurt. I didn’t know why.

I put up a facade that I was happy that you’re leaving. That you should have left earlier. That it would’ve made me happier. But my friend looked at me with disbelieving eyes as she twisted my words until making me admit that I love you. That I loved you.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I felt the tears fall from my eyes. I love you. Every bit of me loved you, every part of you. I hated you because I missed you. I hated you because you ignored me when I wanted you to look my way. I hated you because I couldn’t talk to you anymore. I hated you because I can’t tell you all about the new things I’ve done. I hated you because you never told me if you liked that book I lent you. I hated you because you left without a word. I hated you because whenever I try new things I remember you. I hated you because you invaded my thoughts awake or dreaming. I hated you. I really hated you. I hated you because I loved you without me knowing.

You were my first love. I saw everything in new light. I felt my heart beat faster whenever you were near. I felt giddy as my eyes follow you wherever you are. I was hurt whenever you were flirting with another girl. I was hurt when our eyes meet and you immediately look away. I was inlove. But you were leaving.

I wanted to tell you my feelings but I was terrified. I was terrified of your reaction. I was terrified of what other people would say. I mean, a nobody pouring her heart out to one of the most popular guy in school. It’s funny. I took my time to think about telling you. And when I decided to tell you, you were gone. You already left and it left me in shambles.

You are my first love but you are also my greatest regret. I regretted a lot of things because of you. I still regret it now. I couldn’t help but think of the what ifs. I wish I asked you why you held my hand. I wish I asked why you gave my sweets for no reason at all. I wish I confronted you about why you ignored me. I wish I tried to find out what happened. I wish I didn’t waste time hating you when we could be making memories. I wish I told you that I loved you.

But I didn’t. And I regret it greatly. If I could go back in time, I would go back and do all those things so that I could say I did everything.

Because of you, I started to not fear things like that. I spoke my mind and asked the questions that I can’t answer. I tell people what I feel for them. I’m not afraid to say ‘I love you’ anymore.

And if ever we meet again, I’ll ask you everything I want to ask you and at the end of our conversation, I’ll tell you “I loved you before.” to let go of my regrets.

 

10 Best Things About Being Single

Single. Everyone experienced being single before. Some of you are single right now and some of you are not. Others hate being single while others don’t.

But how can you hate being single and not love it? Seriously. You can be more independent and more carefree as though you have no care in the world (or maybe just someone or anyone). And if you hate being single, there’s a lot of reasons why you should enjoy it while you are.

Here are some reasons:

1. You can have more time for yourself

Come on. Every girl want time for themselves. Without the boyfriend being around you all the time, you can have that. You’ll have more time to think, reflect, decide and be silly. It’s the ultimate ‘alone time’. You can just jump in bed without you pants and watch movies. Or you can go out and know more people.

2. You can doll yourself up

I’m not sure if this applies to everyone. But when you’re single, you’re free to wear any kinds of clothes or fashion lines that you want. No one would be there to tell you to go and change your clothes just because they don’t like it despite the fact that you look hot in it and you took a lot of time to dress up. You’re free to experiment on what kind of clothes would look good and wouldn’t look good on you. Bravo! You might even find out that you look sexy as hell in a dress.

3. You can spend more time to fix yourself up

You have to attend a party at 7, it’s only 6:30 and you’re boyfriend is already telling you that it’s time to leave but you haven’t fixed your make up yet. Boom! Yeah. I know. You can cross it out but other people experience this. You have less time to make yourself pretty. And once you feel insecure and he notices,  he’d end up saying ‘You don’t need to put make up on. Your smile is the best make up.’ which would make you less anxious (but how sure are you that he’s telling the truth?) Come on. Wake up. Doesn’t it feel great to come out of your home looking the best that you can even though it’s just with blush, lipstick, mascara and some eyeliner.

4. You don’t really have to worry about time

This is the one I like most. No one would be around to always remind you about the time or trying to make you go and hurry up. Being single means that you hold your time in your hands and you can do whatever you want with it. Either you decide to become fashionably late in a party or really early in a concert.

5. Girl time!

Admit it. When you were in a relationship, you spend almost all you time with your significant other which results to neglecting your friends which make them feel unimportant. It always happen. But being single means that you have girl time. You can spend time with your friends and catch up with that things that you missed when you weren’t with them. You can go get your nails done together or have a slumber party. Come on. Who needs a cute guy when you have a whole gang that loves you.

6. You can decide what happens on your Friday night

It’s friday night. You can decide what you want to do. You can just ball up under your bed covers, read a book, watch movies or go out partying with you girls even though you might end up in the wrong side of bed (if you know what I mean) But still, go out partying on Friday night and meet a cute guy that makes you feel butterflies in your stomach then have a Saturday brunch with him. It’s up to you on what happens in between.

7. You have time for your hobbies and discover new things about yourself

Oh look! You’re great in archery! You’re  a diva! You have time to discover yourself. You have time to develop the skills that you have and focus on the things that makes you happy.

8. You can treat yourself anytime

Being single means that you can save more money. How, you won’t feel that need to buy a gift for someone for a certain occasion unless it’s someone’s birthday. Having more money in your wallet, you can treat yourself. Be it a day in a spa or a shopping spree.

9. You can meet new people

Nobody would be there to hold you back. You can meet more people and socialize with them much longer. You have the time to get to know each other and become really good friends. Also, he might be your ‘future boyfriend’

10. You can hang out with all your guys friends

Tell me the truth. We all have guy friends that we’re close with and once we’re taken, you have less time with them. And sometimes, you never spend time with them because your significant other gets jealous and possessive. Being single, nobody would hold you back from hanging out with them but don’t ever forget that you’re a girl and they’re guys.

Just an addition.

11. Beyonce wrote a song for us

You know what it is 😉

Come on. Don’t hate couples. Okay? 😀

Nate here ;)

Hey guys! 😀

I’m Nate as you all can see at the title. Don’t worry. I’m just another wallflower here on Earth so just smile. I’m not one of those people that is well known. I lurk in the shadows. Too much information? Yeah. Sorry about that. All I want to say is that I’m one of you all and I just had an idea of writing a blog.

I know that there’s a huge possibility that no one would be able to find my blog but I like posting blogs and entries in the internet. And I think this would just be a diary on the internet for me.

If ever you stumble here, I sure hope that you would enjoy your stay here in my website and follow me for my other blog posts.

Signing out,

Nate xxx